Back with part two of our look at Steven Hassan’s BITE model of authoritarian control. We covered behavior control in part one, so if you missed that, check it out. Now we’re going to look at the “I” in the BITE model, information control. We’ll look at how it works and some of the more subtle or insidious ways this can show up.

Steven Hassan is a cult and undue influence expert. His BITE model looks at the ways in which cults and other groups exert control over members, and this model is a great resource to help people look at the power imbalances in groups, particularly organized religions. Today we’re going to look at the “B” in the BITE model, behavior control.

Sometimes I can keep on a topic for more than a minute, so this blog is kind of a continuation of last week’s blog about terminology. It was a rambly (shock) post about language, and the nuance needed to create understanding, as well as the parameters needed to keep language helpful without being misused. This is going to be another nuanced topic, because it turns out that life isn’t super black and white, so we have to be able to explore the gray spaces. So, let’s take a look at gatekeeping in the mental health space. 

I recently had a birthday. Not a major accomplishment, just surviving one rotation around the sun, but I bring it up to highlight that I’m aware of my age. I’m aware that as many people age, they struggle to accept the changing of the times, and as their neuroplasticity turns brittle they get angry at things they don’t understand. I’ve sat with this for a bit, and I feel confident that I’m not just being an old man yelling at clouds here, not yelling at kids to get off my lawn (I’m actually in the millennial bird-watching phase of my life, thank you very much).

I certainly don’t want to turn into a celeb gossip blog, but this whole celeb drama is bringing up a lot of bad takes about boundaries, gaslighting (my least favorite pop psych term), and just general relationship nonsense that I see all the time, so no surprise that celebrities are dealing with the same drama (they’re just as flawed as the rest of us!). Oh, and another thing I struggle to ignore, bad therapy! So, let’s look at Jonah Hill and his texts to Sarah Brady.

This is day 2 of staying indoors due to unhealthy air conditions from the Canadian wildfires. So, like, that’s a thing. And the reactions online have been less than stellar. “Wtf is this bs, we never had wildfire season when I was a kid” or something to that extent. Gang, that’s the point. Climate conditions have changed, drastically, due to human activity. This isn’t normal. So, let’s talk real talk about climate change deniers, what we can actually do about it, and how to manage mental health while living during crazy-making times. 

Some of you may have heard of this thing called malpractice insurance. It comes up in medical shows like House or Grey’s Anatomy, and it’s like an actual real thing that those fictional characters would absolutely need since they are almost routinely breaking the law or at least ethical standards. It’s a thing for therapists, too. We mental health professionals make waaaaaaaaaaay less than doctors, so it’s less malpractice insurance, but still very much a thing.

Intros are easily the worst part of writing these blogs for me. I’ve always been bad at intros, like in real life meeting new people and hitting all the social norms is tough for me, but definitely in my writing it is the hardest thing to get started. Most of my high school assignments I wrote my intros using Pink Floyd songs, then in college I used either System of a Down songs or made a Lord of the Rings tie-in. So, watch out for new random intros as I’m all out of clever ideas to start things off. No suave segue here today, let’s talk about privilege.

Hey, look! I did a thing! If you like my blogs, the vibe of my work around mental health, you might really like the new podcast I started. It’s called ‘Your Therapist Needs Therapy.’ It’s me talking to other mental health professionals about their mental health. It’s kind of meta, but I think it’s fun and it’s very me in the sense that it’s wide-ranging and seemingly disconnected talking points that come full-circle. It’s a fun little romp for different therapists talking about their lives, their backgrounds, their work, and then random stuff like books and movies.

The ChatGPT craze isn’t dying down, is it? Gang, it just gets clicks. AI sounds all sci-fi and cool, and the average person isn’t tech savvy enough to understand it, so the unknown generates clicks. We now have writer strikes, audiobook narrators panicking, and a whole bunch of things that history will likely show to be overreactions (I could be wrong, but I for sure think the timeframe of the panic is way too short of a turn around). So, as a fun thought experiment, I asked ChatGPT for some tips on a topic that I could then comment on.

Trauma, amirite? I’ve talked about it a few times before, and I don’t necessarily want to harp on it, but I think I maybe keep going back to it because I see so many people dealing with trauma symptoms and not realizing what is going on. What happens with trauma is that it keeps your nervous system dysregulated. The nervous system is a huge network that sends messages from cell to cell within body, pretty much giving us the ability to do all of our bodily tasks. The nervous system breaks down into other systems, but the simple idea is it is the messaging system that takes in stimuli and allows us to react in different ways.

This past weekend I had the opportunity to be a guest on the Deep Drinks Podcast where we had a panel of specialists talking about purity culture and the harm it can do. It was a lot of fun, you can check out the link for the full video. In this week’s blog I just want to touch on a few things that maybe didn’t get a lot of time, so some of this might seem out of context if you didn’t have time to watch the panel. At the end of the blog I’ll also include links to the various resources that I highlighted during the stream. 

I tend to be a wordy person. Both my parents taught English, and a common mantra in our house growing up was “precision of language, say what you mean and mean what you say.” All of my dogs have been named after literature (specifically literary locations, for extra nerd street cred). My current and planned tattoos all have direct references to literary works. One of the first styles of therapy I really liked was Narrative Therapy, and then I grew up and got into the even nerdier version of Collaborative Language Therapy. So, words matter to me. Quite a lot.

Sup party people! Just a little update in case you missed it. We have changed office locations, the new digs are: 6651 N Sidney Place Milwaukee, WI 53209

(Some of the locals might recognize this as Glendale, but this is the technical address)

I’m still working on getting my address updated everywhere digitally, so if Google still has the old address it’s because I am waiting on a postcard from Google, because that’s literally how changing a business address works. Huge tech conglomerate beholden to the almighty postcard, amazing times we live in. 

Do you ever get caught up in the negative news cycle? Feel overwhelmed by the many different crisis of modern life? Struggling to cope after finishing a really good show (this is not the same level as the other examples, but still)? We all get down. Sometimes we can be tempted to lean into that feeling, and really stay down. One of the things that I personally have had to work on is being intentional in making space for happiness, and actually going out of my way to force some happiness into my life. So, today we’re going to talk about how to do that, and what some of the benefits of cultivating joy can be.

I’m not sure what one political party’s fascination with underaged genitals is, but I can tell you one thing it isn’t based on, and that’s safety. Anti-trans healthcare laws, anti-abortion laws, book banning, and limiting diverse voices all are in opposition of what research shows to be best practices for making children safe in a developmentally appropriate way. So, the way to combat this nonsense is with good education, based on peer-reviewed evidence from solid research. So, let’s look at one topic today, sex ed. The pitfalls of not having it, and the problems with it when it isn’t backed by science.

So, I’ve been avoiding this topic, hoping it would blow over and we’d all move on. However, rather than moving on, I’ve seen the opposite. At first, I kept seeing news stories and think pieces on AI taking over, specifically how ChatGPT was some sign of the end times. That kind of quieted down as we all got to tinker with it, and the novelty wore off. However, I keep having clients or other people bring up changing jobs because they’re going to be replaced by ChatGPT. And like, that isn’t happening. Maybe those terrible listicle sites like BuzzFeed will be performed solely by AI in the future, but frankly, the internet will be a better place without them. So, in a short two page blog format, let’s do a brief overview into what is going on with the new AI craze.

So, the other day a funny thing happened. I was in the bathroom washing my hands, and a guy walks in, and since he can only see me from behind, he sees my long, flowing hair. And he panics, quick flush of the face, and he backs out of the bathroom, checks to make sure he is indeed in the men’s bathroom, and comes back in. This happens every couple of weeks, maybe once a month? It cracks me up to no end, because I have long hair and somehow that signals to guys they are in the wrong restroom. But hair isn’t gendered. Mammals have hair, it’s just a thing, for all genders. And this long and meandering intro highlights one point I’ll make in explaining why trans people are not a problem.

There’s a delightful denseness to the current rash of ads trying to rebrand Jesus. It’s another sign of what I refer to as Late Stage Christianity, which like Late Stage Capitalism, is clearly not working for anyone outside of a privileged few. So, for those of you who don’t know, He Gets Us is this billion dollar advertisement push to “rebrand Jesus.” You know, that famous corporate sponsor Jesus. Why does Jesus need a rebrand? Isn’t he still pretty popular among at least three or four of the big religions? Yep! So, what gives? Let’s dive in!

Kids these days, amirite? “Back in my day, no one had ADHD. Kids played outside so depression wasn’t an issue. When I grew up, no one cared what pronouns were.” Y’all. Every generation goes through this. Society is not static. The times they are a’changing. What isn’t changing is mental health. And while there is a growing crisis, actually multiple crises, it isn’t a mystery where it’s coming from. The mystery is why we aren’t doing more to deal with it. J/k that’s not a mystery, the answer is of course money. And while that in and of itself is depressing, let’s look at some of the factors that are contributing to the mental health crisis.

So, I gave a tiny sneak peak of this a few weeks ago when I wrote about trauma, but a little professional update: I got certified to treat religious trauma! There is a small (but growing!) number of professionals who are getting trained to work with trauma specific to religion. It’s a field of study that is getting more attention both academically and in the real world, especially on social media. As with most fields that are new and don’t have much scientific research yet, there’s a ton of exciting growth and also a lack of verifiable information that is then filled with pseudo-science and just outright falsehoods.

Oftentimes in my line of work, someone needs to make an apology. Someone said something they shouldn’t have, an argument was had with a boost from alcohol, or someone skipped their stress relief until it all boiled over into an angry outburst. Or maybe you just mindlessly put your foot in your mouth. Whatever the case may be, not all apologies are effective or helpful. So today let’s take a look at what makes a good apology.

Happy New Year! Being born and raised in Wisconsin means I grew up around plenty of alcohol. Drinking is incredibly normalized here, to the point that we have a pro sports team named after fermented beverages, as well as alcohol being very cheap and accessible. So, for many people, Dry January has become a new yearly habit to take some time to cut back, check-in, and reset your relationship with alcohol. For those of you who are starting this month off sober-adjacent, let’s look at how to have a successful month and talk about some of the many benefits to having a sober month.

It’s the hap-happiest season of all! If you own a gym, because your membership dues are about to skyrocket! Best month on the planet for gym membership, and if they can get people to buy year long memberships they are making 11 months of straight profit. That’s right, many new year’s resolutions don’t make it out of the month of January. In fact, 43% of resolutions are abandoned in the first month of the year, and a whopping 90% are kaput by the end of March. Ever the optimists, we humans continue to make resolutions anyways. So, how can we make changes that actually stick? Here’s a few tips to make lasting changes, and not just at the start of a new year!

The other day we had an intense little snowstorm here in Milwaukee. I saw it outside of my office window, and knew I had to get outside to experience it. There’s a little wooded path behind the office, and I went out there just to watch the snow come down. The snow was heavy enough to make a sound when it hit the trees, and it was so quiet and peaceful. When I got home, my wife and youngest son were all bundled up making snowmen, it was such good packing snow, and having a good time romping around in the snow. Winter isn’t for everyone, but I think it would be hard to not appreciate the beauty of the falling snow. I’m glad I took a couple of intentional moments to enjoy it outside, and seeing our little boy all lit up with joy playing in the snow got me thinking about creating space for something sacred.

So, as I’ve talked about previously, I do a lot of boundary work with my clients. Boundaries are hard. Some of the hardest boundaries to set are with your family of origin. This comes up a lot around the holidays, and it has come up in a bunch of my sessions lately so I thought I would write about it here. When we set boundaries with our family of origin, and those boundaries are not respected or are flat-out rejected, I remind people that family is not simply defined by who we are related to. And I know my clever readers out there are like, pretty sure that is the actual definition of family, but hear me out.

Kind of buries the lede with the title, huh? Let’s talk trauma! Couple of reasons, first, it keeps coming up in session. I never write a blog about a singular client or client concern, but when a topic keeps coming up with many different clients, or has come up regularly over the years, then I think having it in writing can be helpful. Second, I’m getting my certification in Religious Trauma (woot!), so it’s very much fresh in my mind as a topic right now. And the conversation that I keep having with people goes something like this: I say, “Well, that’s because trauma changes the way your brain is wired.” And my client responds, “But I don’t have trauma.” And here’s the thing, we all have trauma.

Sometimes clients come in and they spend a majority of the session just venting about what a real dingbat their partner has been. Or how selfish that person is, or how they went out and spent a bunch of money without talking about it first. And while I do the good therapist bit of nodding appropriately and commiserating on what a chore it is to be in a relationship with that person, I often find it necessary to work through some uncomfortable realities in these situations. Namely, how your partner is just the dirt worst.

We have a battle going on in my house that reflects society at large: the early creep of holiday decorations. It used to be no Christmas tree before Thanksgiving, now the battle begins before Halloween. My wife has even corrupted our four-year-old who has been asking to set up the tree more than he’s been asking for his Halloween candy. So far, I’ve held strong, but it doesn’t look promising. So as I prepare myself for Christmas music everywhere and holiday lights up in the house before Thanksgiving, I thought I would do a quick rundown on ways to preemptively deal with holiday stress.

“But I don’t have time for that” is one of the most common obstacles clients share with me in making improvements in their relationship. I would anecdotally say it’s probably about 90% of my couples highlight this as an ongoing issue. Here’s the thing: there is no secret. No shortcut, no way around it. We all have busy lives, for any number of reasons, and almost none of them are worth the strife of having relationship issues. So, how do you find the time to connect when it seems you don’t have any?

I’ve talked about this before, but it bears repeating, your mental health and your physical health are connected. Turns out that because your brain is located inside your head, your mental well-being is directly related to your physical well-being. This can be a bit troublesome, as it makes it hard to know if physical/mental ailments are causes or symptoms of some other part of your body, but it also can be super helpful when you learn how to use your body as a healthy coping mechanism to soothe your mind. 

Against my better judgment, I often find myself perusing the internet. YouTube is my bugaboo, as I love to have video essays on while I do other work, but occasionally I’ll get distracted on Instagram or even just my Google News feed. I’m consistently amazed at how much bad information is out there. Like, I shouldn’t be surprised, obviously, given the past 3 years of pandemic living and our society’s less-than-stellar response. But I’m surprised that I’m seeing it.

“I got six jobs, I don’t get tired” Kevin Gates sings in one of his early songs. And while Kevin Gates is problematic for a number of reasons, that song was a banger when it came out. It hits on a theme prevalent in a lot of hip-hop, and in our culture as a whole. That if you work hard, like really, really (get it?) hard, then you will get ahead. It kind of makes sense for those at the top to want to put out a narrative about how all their hard work paid off, but it simply isn’t true. So, where does this myth come from? And what do we do about it?

I don’t think there is a topic I cover more in therapy than boundaries. I don’t always address it as a boundary issue, and clients don’t always bring it up as a boundary issue, but so many other topics that come up in therapy are, at their core, about boundaries. Work-life balance? That’s boundaries. Communication within a relationship? Boundaries. Struggling with self-care? Boundaries again!

Sex and money are the most common issues that get couples into therapy. Typically not because people have too much of either (therapy jokes aren’t great, I’m aware). But the reality is, not enough people talk about sex, and from Freud to Cosmo magazine, the people who are talking about it are often talking nonsense. So strap in (or on!) and let’s talk penises, vaginas, orgasms, facts, fictions, and how there is no normal!

Another day, another poorly written article about ADHD as a superpower. It’s a lovely reframe, and a nice way to try to not put down neurodiversity, but it just isn’t true. Neurodiversity is great! Normal doesn’t exist! I’m here for all of that, but I also want realistic expectations to be set for people who may be struggling.

I’m going to break some conventions here, but, despite being a therapist, I’m a fairly opinionated person. I know there’s this idea out there that therapists nod politely and ask “how does that make you feel?” That style has never really fit for me, though, either personally or professionally. I’ve got strong opinions on books, movies, and why Pink Floyd being the best band of all time isn’t actually an opinion, it is a provable fact (I am sometimes prone to hyperbole on less significant topics).

Can we stop talking about quiet quitting? It’s not a thing. I try not to be particularly trendy or get too soap-boxey about pop culture in this blog, but I can’t escape newsfeed articles and YouTube clips about all this nonsense. So, let’s talk about what this supposedly is all about, then dive into what toxic culture is underneath it, and what to do about it (other than ignore it, which is an option).

Keeping our brain happy can go a long way in having better mental health. While we generally associate our mental health with our brain, the reality is our brain is just another part of our body. It’s an important part, one of the single most influential parts of our body, but it is still just part of the overall machine that makes us work. So, taking care of that central core processor is a good idea, and since our brain is part of our body, what it needs to be happy is pretty simple because it goes hand-in-hand with what our body needs.

So this post follows from last week’s post about who should go to therapy, kind of a two-parter that I split up. So, you’re in therapy or you’ve convinced your friend/family member/crazy cat-lady neighbor that they need to go therapy. Good job, you’re doing it! But unfortunately way too many people are getting a less than stellar experience in therapy.

Everyone.

If I was a bolder writer I would just end the post there. Everyone should go to therapy. Full stop. A therapist saying everyone should go to therapy is kind of obvious, Elon Musk would say everyone should get a Tesla, but I think there are valid reasons why people should go to therapy, and I think having a good idea on why you should go will help you have a better experience.

Birds of a feather flock together, but also, opposites attract? Both of these axioms have wide-spread use in our culture, either as cute cliches or as thematic elements in popular media. Given that there is no huge culture war waging on which of these is more accurate, I’m going to hazard a guess that most people are comfortable accepting that both can be true given a certain context.

My dog died this weekend. He wasn’t just my dog, he loved everyone and was a huge part of our family, but he was very much my dog in the sense that he was the dog I always wanted. I wasn’t allowed to have dogs growing up, based on a factually-sketchy claim that my dad had pet dander allergies, so when my wife and I got married I got to have my first dog.

I have ADHD, so writing these blogs always takes a bit of meandering to get started. While procrastinating I was scrolling on Instagram and saw a post by a therapist (I did not actually verify the credentials, someone who markets themself as a therapist) that went something like this: Are you writing your partner another long text? Stop! Think first.

One of the weirder blindspots I think therapists have is a lack of training around physical ailments. Medical doctors have some training on mental health issues, but it is odd, to put it mildly, how our healthcare system has decided that mental health and physical health are separate subjects.

Meaning is relational. Our understanding, our basis of knowledge, all of our knowledge, is based on a certain context, specifically, the context of the life we have lived. That sounds wilder than it is. We can’t know things if we haven’t crossed paths with those things in our lifetime.

Why do some people date the same type of person over and over again? Why do some of our families have the same dramatic interactions at every family gathering? Why do kids raised in unstable environments often make the same unhealthy choices when they grow up?

One of the most common mental hang-ups I work with is feeling discouraged due to having unrealistic expectations. This can take a lot of forms, and is a tricky problem because most of us were never taught how to set expectations. Rather, we have an accumulation of life experiences and cultural “norms” that leave us with loose, amorphous ideas of what we *should* be doing.

Ah, date night. It either makes your heart flutter with romantic thoughts or makes you roll your eyes. I’ll say it right away: date night won’t save your relationship if it’s in need of saving. But, date night can help your relationship no matter what state it is in.

When dealing with ongoing stressors in our life, many of us get a sense of feeling stuck. This sense of spinning wheels is related to any number of mental and physical ailments, and even our stress-relieving activities and hobbies can get mired down into this directionless dread. Goal setting can be an incredibly helpful tool when we feel this way, as it allows our brain to organize abstract thoughts and gain a sense of control of what may feel very much out of our control.

Relationships are hard. Pretty controversial take to start off this post. Having a healthy relationship is hard, maintaining multiple relationships with a partner, friends, family, and have a healthy work/life balance? Crazy hard, and the reality is, somewhere in all the complex relationships we maintain in our life, we’re bound to have an unhealthy one.